|
| Ohh, Baby.
There's somethin' I've gotta tell you
Think that you should know what's on my mind.
Ooh baby, I'm feeling our situation
It's getting stronger, how we want it -
I gotta take my time
There's so much about you that I want to explore
Physical attraction, we just can't ignore it
But before we go too far across the line,
Gotta really make sure that I'm sure
Slow down babe, let's take our time
Slow down babe, if you don't mind
Slow down babe, before we make this move
Slow down babe. Baby, slow down,
I think it's really too soon..
See, I know what is best cause I've been here before
Gave myself to someone for all the wrong reasons,
But this time around I don't wanna do that again
I just wanna make this the way that I've dreamed of
So baby, you've got to slow down..
-Alicia Keys.
| | |
| "It's all my fault, I can't complain. Chivalry's dead, and I'm to blame. I've played the independent woman for too long, I wanna let you be the man from now on. .. tell me where I went wrong. I've created a monster." -Wynter Gordon.I don't know where my head has been lately -- and honestly, I just don't understand it. I've always gotten some sort of kick out of "the game," and it seems like the more I sink into myself the more I wish I really just had someone here. Just one. I know that over the course of the past few years, I've been lowkey caught up from guy to guy and whatnot -- but at the same time? Not really. I've gone long bouts not talking to anyone at all -- and I've been just fine. Obviously none of these situations were success stories, but for the most part, I've been able to ACCEPT what has happened and take them as losses. No fight. True a little bruised ego, but nothing more. No grudges. And/or if any ill feelings of any kind, I'd like to think that I've been able to easily mask in the presence of.. I guess it's been a long time since I've actually felt LONELY. I have the opportunity to go out -- live it up, party. And don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be un-appreciative of friendship because I've always thought of myself to be very blessed in the department of family and friends. I just don't feel close to anyone out here anymore. I get it, everyone's doing their own thing, which is coo -- do ya thing. I just kinda wish I wasn't so "stuck" all the time. This feeling gets so old. It's BEEN old. I'm just tired of feeling this way and not being able to let it go for the life of me. And I'm hoping I'm not viewed as some ungrateful bitch... cuz it's not my intention. I'm just... going through it right now. And I guess it bothers me most because I get so frustrated with myself. I have no reason in the world to feel this way, and thinking about it makes me upset that I do. Because I view MYSELF as being ungrateful. I just can't shake the feeling. I don't want to party. I don't feel like drinking. I don't want to go out. ..I just want some company...  I see myself so damn bitter at myself for all the dumb decisions I've made, and it's annoying. I feel like when things happened in my past, I acted entirely too carelessly without thinking of any of the consequences. Or maybe I was just too young to know -- and I'm sure in a few years I'll probably look back at myself now and feel the same way.. but it just bothers me. I don't want to be this way. And I feel like the more I try NOT to be.. the more frustrating it becomes. There's nothing about my past that I can change -- and in all honesty, I don't understand WHY I would change it. I'm really not trying to live my life with regrets because I've always been a strong believer of learning through first-hand experiences. I just feel so damn jaded. Like maybe I let me get too ahead of myself, and now that I'm a little bit older; a tad bit more mature.. the time that I SHOULD be going through these experiences -- I have already.. and the way I "should be reacting," I'm just not. I'm so young and I feel like I have a million notches on this old belt of mine. -- it's seems as if I'm running out of slack. Over the course of just this semester alone -- I've talked to about 3 guys. And each time I tell myself to do it differently, and I do. I have, completely. I feel like this is me doing it DIFFERENTLY, the way it should be done, yet here I am still losing. Not that I wanna get wifed up or anything, but I'm quickly losing hope. Like just not seeing any type of potential. I've already heard it a handful of times -- this semester alone. "You've already done your share.. let them chase you a little." "You're too independent."... What the fuck does that even MEAN?! Too independent for what? Isn't that a good thing? I don't NEED to be taken care of in that way.. just fuckin' be there. I just don't understand why it's so complicated to meet QUALITY. Or why PEOPLE are so damn complicated. Why people lie about things when the fate of the entire ordeal is clear (..to them anyway..  ) Having feelings for someone is a choice - whether subconsious or not. And I feel like more times than not, my choice is stolen cuz people lie. I feel like the guy everytime. I guess I'm just done. | | |
| Quite a few things have gone down since the last.
Earlier this month I made a majorly last minute trip out to Frisko for my cousin Janet's bachelorette party -- quite the experience. LOL. I've never actually had the pleasure of experiencing one, and I guess you could say this one in particular was entirely lowkey.
But fun, nonetheless.
I didn't leave town until Saturday morning -- headed out to Union City to meet up with my cousins Joannie (who is preggo with a baby boy, which she didn't know the gender of the baby until after the shower -- but we were joking over baby names and such. "Why does it have to be Mark Jr?! Why can't I have a Jr?" .. JOANior. LMFAO.  ) and Jenn. From there she drove us out to Sausalito, which was the final destination at which the "floating home" was located.
-- random area, BUT the spot?
FUCKIN' PIMP.
It was a two bedroom-ish, three story "floating house" -- meaning it was on a foundation built in water --
The master bedroom was the entire 3rd floor, with a balcony/deck (or whatever you call it). Second floor was the living room and kitchen area, then on the 3rd floor was like the party room -- it had a guest bedroom, a mini bar, a pool table, and a theatre. So freakin' legit.
Basically during the day we ate, played little bridal shower games, and watched Janet open her gifts -- then at night it was dinner and laughter/lap dance at Asia SF, and club hoppin' the rest of the night.
Asia SF was hella fun/funny. The trannys there are SO pretty, minus one.. ugh.
Who she fuckin?! HAHAH jk. jk. 
We danced until Janet got pulled up for her little lap dance, and right afterward we had dinner upstairs while watching more of the girls perform on the bar countertops. The food was pretty good. Either that or I was just super buzzed? I hate being in my funk lately because drinking almost seems pointless. Whatev.
We must have hit about 5 different clubs after that - along with the lovely convenince of a limo, and our dope ass limo driver, Herman. He was this funny ass Filipino dude who was telling us stories about all the people he's chauffered around. LOL.
I don't remember the names of any of the clubs we hit, but I can only really remember maybe two actually being pretty legit. The funny thing about it was seeing the different crowds at each.
BIG DIFFERENCE. 
Anyhow, the next morning we walked around downtown Sausalito, had brunch and then headed back to Union City to pick up our cars so we could head homeward bound.
Last-last Friday a group of the trainers and I headed over to the movies to watch Paranormal Activity.
*whomp-whomp.
Worst movie in the history of life. LOL. Seriously.
I had no idea what movie this was because my not-knowing ass never really watches commercials; therefore, I don't ever see previews. I don't know why I didn't make the connection after hearing the title of the movie until AFTER the fact that I was already sitting in a theatre seat.
Upon my arrival, I was actually pretty scared and then after sitting in my seat right before the actual movie started I'm sitting there thinking I hope this isn't like that ONE movie (referring to Blairwitch.)
That's what it was pretty much -- minus the woods.
Motion sickness bonanza, New Yack City.. a perfect waste of $11. LOL
I don't mean to be rude, but shit - it was pretty lame.
I had my eyes closed during the "day" parts of the movie because I had the fattest headache, and then the night time "spooks" were a headache in themselves. I mean some of the shit was a little creepy, I guess.. the end was like the best part, and it really wasn't all that cool at all - but by the time it rolled around, I was already having to pep-talk myself out of having a yackfest.
Fuck that movie.
Saturday I worked my first middle school football game in the boonies of Fresno.
El Capitan against who knows. LOL.
It's pretty scary going into it, but THANK GOD nothing has happened. I mean they're young so it's not AS crazy, but looking at the huge gap in size differences amongst the kids is what gets me. Some are smaller than me and some are like grown folk... and to think big dude hitting lil dude?
But it's good experience, and money..
It was hilarious because some of the kids asked to get taped. Ask me to tape your ankle and I GOT YOU, wrist/thumb tape job? NOT SO MUCH. HAHAHA. Especially having to do like 6-8 thumbs in a row.. on the field. Oh, the pressure. HAHAHA. I must have sent all but 2 away with fucked up ass tape jobs.
Quite the embarassment.
My ass, watching them walk away hoping they'd hurry up and get their gloves on so no one else would see the hot mess I had created. No one has to know.  HAH.
Later that night Richard and I headed out to Roe for Steven's birthday dinner.
I've never actually been to Roe to eat, but I must admit -- they're sushi was not too shabby -- minus the fact that they took forever to serve us. But the $20 all you can eat deal is pretty legit if you're planning to eat a lot.
Dinner seemed to fly by and before I knew it the place started to fill with folk out and about for the club scene. Richard and I hit the dance floor. Once again, drinking in the funk? Not so fun. Don't get me wrong -- I had a fun time dancing and whatnot, but the feeling of alcohol and funk just don't agree, I guess. It's like starring off into the distance wondering if I'm even buzzed. Wait, what am I doing? LOL
Everybody, including the birthday boy, bounced sometime early into the night -- and since we had already been drinking with no cover, Richard and I just decided to stay. Roe is SO not poppin as far as crowd flow goes. Asians and old folk. HAHAHA.
Richard and I clowning out of boredom.
I DID run into Maria and Natalie though, so we had fun in our little dance corner. And I DID meet a cute guy, Jason. ...hhhi. LOL. jk.
I've been feeling a little bit under the weather this past week -- so Friday night I stayed in. Jason came over for a few hours to watch Four Brothers with me, and then it was Nyquil and a knockout.
Saturday I worked another middle school football game, Rio Vista.
I had hella fun, actually -- and my thumb tape jobs were lookin' pretty this time around. I practiced.  Hah. ..but there were a lot of "injuries." Little kids are kinda scary because they cry easily.. I swear one of the kids I checked like 3-4 times because he wouldn't stop crying, and he wouldn't breath normally. You know that silent cry when their mouth is hella open? LOL. Poor baby. Had me second guessing myself. .. why was he smiling and laughing with his friends after he got some nachos on the sideline though?! HAHAHA. Little shit.
I napped up a bit and then ran some errands.
I was gonna go tot eh Fashawn show -- Mos, Talib and Jean Grae were in town, but I was feeling so under the weather. So instead I just met up with some of the folks at World Sports, watched the game, some UFC and then headed home. I was supposed to meet up with Jess after the show, but she wasn't answering her phone. I waited another hour and a half before guzzling down some Nyquil and passing out -- then waking up to a few missed calls and text messages. Haha.
I guess her phone died that night.
But anyhoot, I guess it was better that I wasn't out galavanting because I can see my health walking the plank. I'm on the verge of getting sick, and so long as I keep it under tight watch, I think I can sike this one out. Let's hope so, anyway.. cuz my ass cannot afford it.
Forreal.
Yesterday morning I headed over to Jess's to hOng around.
We basically just ran a bunch of errands, drank shakes and scarfed burgers. LOL.
You know, the yooj.
And after we caught the 4:50pm showing of Where the Wild Things Are.
DUDE. BEST MOVIE EVERRrrr !!!
It was hella funny because we were going to watch the 4:10 showing, but it was the $12 iMax version (which we were kinda bummed about.. because after watching the movie -- it would have been dope in iMax.. but still dope, nonetheless.) But to kill time we sat in Borders reading magazines in the corner.
Fresn-ans are such idiots. I'm sorry.
No diss, no lie -- as a result of a conducted survey, Fresno is at the bottom of the Cali-Smart Charts.
True story. LOL
But we were sitting in the corner getting ready to get to our movie when we hear this honky ass white dude off in some distant corner raising his voice at his wife (not really yelling, but sounding more annoyed)
"SHE DON'T NEED NO BOOK!" he said.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. =X
I must admit, I did L-O-L .. but the best part about it is Jess already knows why I'm laughing so she laughs harder.
..You be readin' ?! LOL.
Damn, talk about Knowledge: DENIED.
Depriving his child of brain food dude.. yet he's in a book store talkin about "she don't need no book." 
`sigh. .. a chuckler.
After the movie, we headed back to Jess' to watch stand up comedy on Comedy Central.
Shit, I need to be up on it more often cuz I was ROLLIN'.
Willie Barcena -- HILARIO.
Good times. Good times.
Anyhow.. I just wanted to do a quick overview of the haps.
I'm actually running low on time and need to hop in the shower and start getting ready for school/training room.. and drop a duece. Yeahhh, buddy.
I'll try to be back ASAP, I have business to discuss.
Kinda, sorta..
Bye.
| | |
| Use it or lose it.
Yeah, dude. Haha.
So I really need to maintain the update-age up on here -- I know I say that a lot and end up not coming through, but I'm really going to try. (..Hopefully )
Why and/or how I got this sudden urge of motivation?
WELL -- I've noticed that lately I've been getting dummer in the spelling department. LOL.
Blogging everyday usually maintains my spelling ability.
Seriously?
"[English] is my favorite subject, Mr. Burnstein." -Space Man.
I love to write - hence, the xanga.
I love to read -- well, only when it's a subject of interest. (i.e. music)
But lately I've noticed myself second guess spelling the easiest words. At first I thought it was just comical -- what an idiot. Look it up and laugh it off, right?
WRONG!
The night I got home from Half-Dome, I tried calling my mom to let her know I was still alive, texted Michelle to let her know I got home safe, Chiho to let her know I made it -- and Jordan to let him know I didn't get bit by a snake. He was the last person I texted before I passed out, hair dripping wet and everything. I think I checked my phone when Richard turned my lights off and it was him asking if I saw any other animals.
Tell me WHY I answered back, "I saw a dear.." ....?!?!?!
..... ?!?!?
.... como que "A DEAR?!"
A DEAR, says the girl who makes fun of people who confuse "patients" and "patience." LMFAO.
How come I can't laugh at things like that without having to pay for it in Karma cash? I don't get it. Comedians STAY clowning on folks. Excuse me for entertaining my OWN-self. Hahaha.
WHOM KNEW it would come back to me in the form of foolishness?
I need to stop. LOL.
Maybe you can cut me some slack considering I had been up since 5am that morning, hiked some odd 18 miles and then drove two hours back home? But still.. is there really an excuse for that?!
So again, here I am at home.. texting Jordan.
Telling him how I want CHAPOTLE.
Yeah, what the fuck is CHAPotle anyway?!
He answers back, "Chiptole?"
O.M.G. -- he probably thinks I'm an idiot. LOL.
Word to the wise -- spell check, yeah?
Haha.
Oh, deer dear. *sigh. LOL.
Get it together.
| | |
| I'M ALIVE !!!!
Holy shit, I'm alive. LOL.
Friday night Cronin (the "other" Michelle) from the program and I drove up to Yosemite with her boyfriend and her friends. She rode with me in my car, while we followed the rest of them in theirs. We were actually supposed to leave a lot earlier than we did, but they didn't get into Fresno until about 8pm -- plus, when they arrived they stopped and ate, so we didn't actually hit the road until about 9pm.
So..
I've gone camping -- but technically, I've never gone camping. Haha.
Camping to me means Manteca Waterslides (which unfortunately, no longer exists).. campgrounds amongst pools, water slides, movies and video games. .. not to mention, go-carts and bungee jumping... oh, and a corner store. LOL. My family and I used to go out there every summer when we were younger.
Yosemite does have bathrooms and showers and such, but it's NOTHING like Manteca Waterslides (no shit, right? )
Anyhow, we pulled into our lot close to 11:30pm and started to pitch our tents, which didn't take very long.
Right after brushing my teeth, putting all our food in the "bear box," we all hit the hay.
DUDE. I slept like a log.
So much better than I have in a while.. surprisingly.
We woke up at 5am, and the basic plan was to begin our hike at 5:15am -- 5:30am the latest.
There was a total of 7 of us, by the way.
But the chick that drove, Jamie is like the slowest person I've ever met. No offense, I mean she's just a slow mover. She drove up in the other car, and she literally was going 20 mph, which was partially the reason why it took us so long to get to camp. But we were up at 5am, and didn't start walking until 7:30am - because we were waiting on her, which was a trip because she wasn't doing anything. LOL
Our hike started off oober iffy -- we had a little map which was turned upside down while we were trying to figure it out. As a result? We walked half a mile only to realize that we had walked ourselves right back to our campsite. Heh.
.. "The Eric Loop," so they dubbed it -- via the man in charge.
It didn't take us long to get back on track and before we knew it we found ourselves where we needed to be -- well, the beginning of the end of where we needed to be. HAH.
The Mist Trail.
Oh, only 8.2 miles to go, huh?
.....yeahh.
So about a mile into walking, you come across a fork -- you can choose an easier, but slightly longer route OR you can choose a shorter but rockier/step-"ier" route. .. step-"ier" as in, Stairmaster WHO?!
It actually wasn't so bad though, we passed the little waterfall trail and all that goodness -- stopped to have a little snack-a-roo, and trucking we went.
I didn't know they had horses walk up and down that bitch. It's crazy. There's horse shit everywhere. At first I didn't know what to think, and I've never been hiking before so I didn't want to ask -- Is this ... bear shit? Deer shit? Never would have guessed .. until we actually saw a man riding two horses with a buttload of crap stacked on each other their backs.
Cronin: I'd hate to be a horse, that sucks.
Loren: Well, they train them to carry all that stuff when they're really young. They're used to it.
Cronin: Still.. if I was an animal, I wouldn't choose a horse.
Me: If I was an animal, I'd be a lion.
Loren: You'd be a lion? Why a lion?
Me: ... cuz they have manes.
duh. LOL. jk.
I don't remember when or where I started to wear out.. but after a while I started to kinda lag behind.
Oh, hold on.. let me back track a bit.
**Sorry, I mentioned Jamie being slow -- as in slow movement. When we left the waterfall, her and her friend Karen behind because she insisted we go ahead behing that they were way behind us. I mean WAAAY behind. Not that it matters. By any means, I suggest you go at your own pace. I'm only saying this because for the entire time after this point our clan-o-seven turned into a Party of 5.**
But yea, I remember being coo after leaving the falls, but at some point not long after the flat ground, I started to slow down. I wasn't far behind them at all, but a lot of the time I was walking alone -- I mean, amongst other hikers, that is. Talking to strangers in the woods and such. Hah.
I want to say after the 6-mile mark, everything was mental. In my head, like LITERALLY praying for my life. I wasn't dead tired at this point, but just DAMNED -- like why the fuck did I come here?!
Minorities don't hike for fun! LOL.
So just when you think you'd get to rest a bit, the way up to actual Half-Dome (the base of the rock, basically) there are like a million stairs -- as if you hadn't already climbed a million and one before hand.
It took me quite a while to get up there and to the cables, and you'd think at this point you'd find some sense of relief right? I mean I'm damn near half-way done.
But yo, those cables?
I took a look at those cables and said, "What the fuck was I thinking?!"
There's a line of people waiting to get up, and hella people also on their way down. Not to mention someone (on the way up) dropped their water bottle.. as the rest of us watched it fall to it's death.
.. you don't understand...
So whatever right?
Steven goes first, then me... then Michelle, Eric (her bf), and Loren.
Steven is my lifesaver, I'm so not joking either -- I think I may have died 3-4 times if he hadn't have been there.
On the way up, the frustration set in as the line of people was in the rhythm of start&stop, and even mid-cables, we stopped for a long time. I heard a guy close to the top started to cramp up really bad which was why we weren't moving for the longest time.. but Steven would climb up some, scoot over and share a wooden block with me. And as it got steeper he hooked arms with me for the hardest parts.. until I was left to power through the very top by my lonesome.
HOLY SHIT!
... yes, my friends... HOLY SHIT.
At the top, you're just so tired holding on to these cables.. my arms literally felt like giving out. I CLEARLY remember like a half-second almost letting go because my biceps had been contracted for so long, and me having some Mufasa rock-climbing moment - no Scar. Haha. Actually Half-Dome looks exactly Pride Rock. No joke. (And people that had done Half Dome before were telling me I'd be holding on for dear life. .. I didn't actually think they meant DEAR LIFE.  Haha.) Plus it was HELLA HELLA windy and cold, which didn't help whatsoever.
When I got to the top I hugged Steven and like fell over and literally almost cried.
I was so emotional -- I hella prayed. I'm not joking.. that half-second of my arms giving out was really something. I was just surprised I made it, and that the grunt of it was just.. OVER.
Everyone on the trail and on the cables were so nice and motivating.
"It's worth it.. don't give up."
I must have heard it a million times on the cables.. and even when I was at the top, I didn't believe it.
I didn't believe until I got down from the cables that it was actually worth it. .. probably because I was still scared shitless of having to go down.
Going down for the most part was actually cake -- we came down in the same order. And at the times when we'd be "stuck in traffic" Steven would let me lean on him so I wouldn't slip... and if I started to slip when I was far from him he'd lean over and hold my foot up. He's such a gentleman. I must have thanked him a million times. LOL.
WHEW.
The way back down to camp was a straight way -- we didn't stop for anything, and for some of it we actually ran. I'm tellin you.. these folks BOOKED it.
Leaving camp at 7:30am (probably even later.. not mention Eric's Loop of half a mile) -- we got to the top around noon, I think.. and actually hung out at the top for quite a while. Then got back to camp around 6:30pm. We took the "longer/easier route" on the way back, which was so much easier on the knees and joints.
I was so tired that I damn near ate it a dozen times.
I twisted my ankle like 3 times, and one time I even fell forward sitting on my foot, and sliding down on my knee. Um, I don't know if I just got lucky or if I'm some kind of Gumby cuz FUCK. I can't believe I didn't break anything. I literally twisted my ankle hella times.. and just shook it off. It actually is sore right now, but no swelling or anything. AND I don't even have any scrapes on my knee from that whole skidding jive.. on rock. LOL. I don't even know holmes.
The entire time I thought I had strained my groin cuz it hurt so bad -- but I think it's just sore from all the stairs. I kept stepping up with the same leg because my other leg was the one I kept twisting. Also, mid-way I put a heat pad on my back.
Heat pads? SO LEGIT.
Oh -- and I've always known that I drink like a fish.. but shit.
I borrowed Ryoji's camel back -- which is 3 liters... I drank all of it and my entire bottle of Gatorade by the time I got to the top, so Michelle let me borrow one of her water bottles.
THANK GOD.
Camel back..
... can I have the HUMP? My thirsty ass. LOL.
As I mentioned, we got back to camp at 6:30pm-ish.
And all of us are STOKED.. Jamie and Karen didn't make it to the top so they HAD to be back at the camp, and being that they'd already be there, we thought that maybe they'd have a fire and dinner started. Nope. .. nothing.
They weren't there, and our "neighbors" hadn't seen them.
It was hella scary. .. I wasn't planning on staying another night, nor staying for dinner, but I almost did because we literally thought they had gone missing. It was already 8pm, and they hadn't been back. The fire wood and such was in her locked car, and neither her nor Karen had service.
Plus, by then the sun had gone down completely, and they wouldn't allow us to report a missing person(s) call until midnight.
Aye, ya, yai.
Around 8:30pm thought, they finally showed up -- saying that we passed them on the way back down -- which I don't understand why they didn't say anything, but whatever. LOL.
At that point, I rolled up the sleeping bag I borrowed from Chiho, packed up the rest of my things and got ready to hit the road.
The road home was long, but lovely -- just knowing I had a home to get to. Hot water. A bed.
I got pulled over in the tunnel on the way home cuz I was speeding, but the guy was really nice and let me go with a verbal warning. I just wanted to get home, my bad.
AND I saw a coyote on the side of the road while I was driving! TeeHee.
I got home, showered ... and literally passed the fuck out.
I woke up for a second cuz I fell asleep with my lights on, but Richard came in to turn them off for me.
O-U-T.
I woke up in the middle of the night and moaned for dear life.. couldn't move a muscle and my throat was dry. HAHAHA. Then I finally got up at 8am to eat, hella feeling like shit.
But around 11am, I got it together -- washed my car, ate lunch, hit the gym.
I'm sore, my right groin and left ankle hurt like a bitch.. but other than that I'm kewwww. Hah.
I didn't feel like uploading them all, but here are a few pictures:
(See the ants of people?)
  (Me, Steven, Michelle, Eric, Loren)
 MAMA, I MADE IT! .. this is me sitting in Jermaine's trunk at the end of the day.. I may have lost this battle -- but I SO won the war. There goes a pair of my new socks. LMFAO!!!
Half dome --
Consider yourself OWNED... muhfucka.
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